dislike the song even more!  There’s always that risk it seems when you even touch up
on an original.   I watched the pilot of the new Melrose Place with poised industry-like
snake eyes, let’s see how these empty tween jokers are going to screw up my show.

They didn’t.

To my delight and apparently millions of others, the CW’s Melrose Place rebooted
rather nicely.  Attracting some of the older scandalous loving fans, while gathering a
whole new set of even more scandalous loving ones.   But being an avid “older”
scandal loving fan, I will speak as such, and from the heart too!  So watch your back…

My most favorite and beloved
Syd (Laura Leighton) was back from the dead!  But how?  
She was killed on her wedding day, in front of the church while posing for pictures in
her wedding dress, run over by a car!  I even saw her flip!  That’s pretty dead.  Only for
her to wind up stabbed and floating face down in the infamous courtyard pool within the
first 8 minutes. What?!  

I was hooked man, I’m that easy and I guess not as cynical as I thought.  

Syd’s apparently lifeless floating body discovered by a screaming Violet Foster (Ashlee
Simpson-Wentz), who is the “didn’t that girl just move in like 30 seconds ago” country
folk resident.  She seems weird in that Mid-Western way and actually resembles Syd A
LOT.    Plus during the ending collage of the show we see her swipe Syd’s framed
photo, from a make shift pool side altar all the residents built in memory of
www.ambiente.us  SEPTEMBER | SEPTIEMBRE 2009

“I LOVE love, just hate monogamy”
The “new “ Melrose Place premieres on the CW
by Armando Diaz Jr.

The bee-atch is back! Well at least a new one is, and she’s BI!  

I have to say it often times pays to be completely clueless, or at the very least unaware
of a certain universe, then you can be more objective correct?  I am not a CW viewer, I
am not a “90210” fan (neither then, nor now), and with individuals like “Octo-Mom”
getting their own shows, I don’t watch a lot of reality television.  That last one is just me
hating on Octo-Mom like I hate on those “silly” Kardashians, but I digress.  It’s this

Objective or not, economy or not, here comes
Melrose Place for the 21st century.  

Scan if you must but this review is unique.

You know how Jessica Simpson used the chords and beats of John Mellencamp’s  
“goody-goody” love anthem
Jack & Diane?  And she actually managed me to

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Violet’s scream alerts the hood, and we meet
them all.  The “new” Alison and Billy with
seemingly less issues and more history, Riley
Richmond and Jonah Miller (played by Jessica
Lucas and Michael Rady).  Riley already
coming off as annoying as possible by having
to “think about” adorable and creative’s
Jonah’s intense proposal after five years
because he doesn’t seem grown?  Someone
throw Riley in the pool!  I’ll hold her down.  Do
you have any idea how hard it is to find a man like that little girl?  And in Southern
California no less??  I hope my little sister is reading this.

Again Syd, why?  Why did you end up like Brooke?  I wonder if
Syd will haunt the pool and possess her ex-boyfriends too.

Ok so, Jonah’s kick ass 8 gig video card montage proposal is interrupted by Violet’s
scream.  He and Riley run out half naked to see what’s up along with local chef Auggie
Kirkpatrick (played by Colin Egglesfield).  What?!  Ladies and gentleman we have
achieved a new level of…well…HOT.   The jacket, the motorcycle, the mystery we
witness about him in the last 5 minutes gives him that added darkness.  Auggie
reminds me of both Jake Hanson and Kyle McBride.  Remember the McBrides?  Taylor
McBride was yet one of the countless zany females impregnated by the ultimate sperm
bank, the good doctor himself, Dr. Michael Mancini.   

One of the doctor’s bastards lives in the building, imagine that?  And was maybe one of
the last people to see Syd alive.  The show actually kicks off with David Breck (played by
Shawn Sipos) making out with a random hot girl whilst being TXT-ed wildly by Syd “this
is serious, come now”-something.  After some informative flashbacks we learn Syd
was sleeping with David to get closer to or
get back at Michael for some reason.  Hmm.

So David was possibly the last one seen with Syd and he’s already in LAPD custody,
but he didn’t even get beat!  And the detective interrogating him allowed way too much
disrespect I’m sorry.  David is free to go on a false alibi issued by sultry, scheme-
written-all-over-her face blonde Ella Simms (played by Katie Cassidy).  I judged Ella
more than I did any other character, I have to say.  I thought she was going to be so
typical and she just wasn’t.  Internally I wasn’t feeling her statement, which is the title of
this article.  But then I thought… that’s why Ella’s there.  She is there to do all the things
I don’t want to do but end up going through anyways to the 10th power.  She has this
obnoxious arrogance to her, but an insecurity that you could see if you scratched at her
like a Pick 3 ticket.  Dark history and trouble abides here for sure.  Ella’s innocence is
amped a little when she leaves the police station with David, they walk to her Mini, she’
s checking herself in the mirror and her face freezes in that little girl way.  Who pulls
up?  The good doctor, who calls out to his son, “Get in”!  in that gentle fatherly way.

Did I mention Dr. Mancini (Thomas Calabro) looks great!  I am being very biased but,
he had me at Mercedes.  A 2010 Mercedes SLS AMG, looking like a Klingon Bird-Of-
Prey mixed with a Delorian.  Whooshing upward opening doors…that car was sick!   Ok

After some daddy-son bonding time, we still don’t know who David’s mother is or what
transpired between him and Syd    Dr. Mancini now tells his son “get out”!  and we cue
a beautiful downtown L.A. skyline sunset as David walks away from that sweet car.  I’m
not going to trash talk a super expensive vehicle cause I can’t afford it for sure,  I won’t

But I will hate on Octo-Mom and those “silly” caked-out Kardashians.

After seeing her incredible performance as the drug numbing, semi obsessive, almost
lesbian drill sergeant turned commander then martyr on Battlestar
Galactica,  I see beautiful Stephanie Jacobsen.  This is when I realized, ok this sh** is
serious.  And they gave her an Asian last name!  Alright!  She’s from New Zealand and
she does a great job about her accent, so even extra kudos.  An Asian last name…here’
s to ethnicity!   Roll your eyes Pat Buchanan and Lou Dobbs!  According to the National
Geographic channel we’re all the same so…

Stephanie Jacobsen  plays super sexy young resident doctor, Lauren Yung.  

Stephanie works a lot, doesn’t go on dates, hangs out with Riley (ugh), and takes
advice from a teenager (screaming Violet) on turning tricks no less!  Well she has to
pay for her tuition somehow, I mean her dad got laid off “like half of the country” she
states.  But she lives here and is somehow getting her roommate to cover her West
Hollywood rent at 4616.  But her roommate is Auggie…isn’t that an interesting name?   
Ok Auggie must own the place and has gone into foreclosure without telling her so this
is why Stephanie is not homeless right now, but I know Syd being the “landlord” is
involved in there somehow…maybe.

C’mon folks it’s “so Melrose”.  Just stay with it, we could all use
an escape now and again.  Somehow I could hear a Bible
-beater in my head, you want escape go to church!  
Lordy, lordy.

Within (1) episode adorable Stephanie goes from good little resident doctor to full out
prostitute!  But you feel for her, at least I do.  What would YOU do in that situation?  That’
s why I automatically loved Ella, woman puts it out there and makes no apologies.  But
you still see the humanity in her and her obvious longing for Jonah.  Ok Ella…you trip
Riley, make sure she falls in the pool, and I’ll accidentally knock a connected floor lamp
in.  That happened to Amanda once while she was in a hot tub mackin’ with Dr.
Mancini.  Crazy Kimmy was holding the lamp!  Good old insane Dr. Kimberly Shaw,
those were the days.  These kids betta’ recognize.

BTW, Jane (Josie Bissett) and Jo (Daphne Zuniga) are making re-appearance cameos.
I am a very satisfied and hopeful viewer for this show.   Even Jack and Diane listening
goody-goodies have a dark side.  We all do to some extent, and Melrose Place serves
that up in an explosion of audio-visual mobile uploading candy delight.

Those empty tween jokers, they’re pretty brilliant.

Along with a sexy first episode CW soundtrack, the who done it has been set!  Why is
Violet so weird?  Who stabbed Syd?  Is she really dead?   Can Ella really be a publicist
and an agent at once, and if she can, how does she have time to be bisexual?  Will
Stephanie be able to pay her rent and stop borrowing shoes from Riley? (ugh)  Do
Auggie, Jonah, and David work out at the same gym and do they go at the same time?  
Can I get asked to get into Dr. Mancini’s ride?  

And will Amanda come back?  Love rumors, love Melrose

 - Armando Diaz
Melrose Place | Tuesday nights @ 9pm EST on the CW.      

Copyright 2009| Ambiente.   Do not reproduce without prior authorization.