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www.ambiente.us SEPTEMBER |SEPTIEMBRE 2010
Top 10 Tips for Texting your Ex-Girlfriend
I've been around the block so you don't have to
by Angela von Aschwege
1. Don’t overuse acronyms
Unless you know for a fact that your girlfriend is as down with the texting lingo as
you are, I recommend laying off the acros. A girlfriend once texted me with a
request which ended with “ASAYGT”. I didn’t want to ask what it meant for fear
of exposing my lack of hipness. Forty minutes later after much research I figured
it out and responded, but it was too late…and I ended up in a text argument.
Please see No. 5.
2. DON’T WRITE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS
It’s the texting equivalent to shouting and no one likes to be yelled at. It’s also
just annoying and irritating like the erectile dysfunction spam emails I get eight
times a day. Every time I receive an all caps message I respond with I DON’T
HAVE A PENIS AND I DON’T WANT YOUR PILLS! I don’t recommend this however
as it leads to text fighting. Again, please see No. 5.
3. Lay off the replacement of “s” with “z”
For realz. I remember this was popular in the 90s and I’m absolutely terrified of a
possible 90s revival. Back then I spent about 30 minutes a day struggling to
decide whether I was cool enough to leave one overall strap unfastened and I
do not want that kind of pressure again. I’m also physically and emotionally
unable to handle all that flannel. Let’s stop with the “wazzups” and the “lolz”
before it snowballs into something worse like “having cows” or black light
Top 10 Tips for Texting your Ex-Girlfriend
I've been around the block so you don't have to
by Angela von Aschwege
1. Don’t overuse acronyms
Unless you know for a fact that your girlfriend is as down with the texting lingo as
you are, I recommend laying off the acros. A girlfriend once texted me with a
request which ended with “ASAYGT”. I didn’t want to ask what it meant for fear
of exposing my lack of hipness. Forty minutes later after much research I figured
it out and responded, but it was too late…and I ended up in a text argument.
Please see No. 5.
2. DON’T WRITE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS
It’s the texting equivalent to shouting and no one likes to be yelled at. It’s also
just annoying and irritating like the erectile dysfunction spam emails I get eight
times a day. Every time I receive an all caps message I respond with I DON’T
HAVE A PENIS AND I DON’T WANT YOUR PILLS! I don’t recommend this however
as it leads to text fighting. Again, please see No. 5.
3. Lay off the replacement of “s” with “z”
For realz. I remember this was popular in the 90s and I’m absolutely terrified of a
possible 90s revival. Back then I spent about 30 minutes a day struggling to
decide whether I was cool enough to leave one overall strap unfastened and I
do not want that kind of pressure again. I’m also physically and emotionally
unable to handle all that flannel. Let’s stop with the “wazzups” and the “lolz”
before it snowballs into something worse like “having cows” or black light
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posters.
4. Don’t over analyze a text message
If you spend more than 2.7 seconds trying to decipher the intent or tone of her
text message pick up the phone and talk to her. For a good six months I
assumed that my girlfriend’s response of “ok” to my text was some kind of
passive aggressive maneuver. No, actually sometimes “ok” just means ok. Don’
t read into things and don’t be afraid to ask for clarification, it will be worth it in
the long run.
5. Don’t text fight
I haven’t had a real fight since 2006 yet somehow managed to go through six
girlfriends since then. Pick up the phone and call your girlfriend if you have a
problem with something. Please text me and let me know how it works for you.
6. Don’t break up with your girlfriend over text message
Attempt to express life changing decisions verbally. If you break up by text your
ex will text everyone they know you did so and within 24 hours the whole
community will know you are that insensitive jerk who electronically breaks up
with girlfriends. Have you ever received the lesbian glare by more than one
woman at the same time? It’s unpleasant I promise.
7. Proper usage of the : - )
“Your hair looks like it has been used as a rat hideout for the last six months : - ).”
Adding a smiley face does not make you sound any less of a jackass. “But
Honey, I was just kidding!” No, adding a smiley face doesn’t turn your insensitive
4. Don’t over analyze a text message
If you spend more than 2.7 seconds trying to decipher the intent or tone of her
text message pick up the phone and talk to her. For a good six months I
assumed that my girlfriend’s response of “ok” to my text was some kind of
passive aggressive maneuver. No, actually sometimes “ok” just means ok. Don’
t read into things and don’t be afraid to ask for clarification, it will be worth it in
the long run.
5. Don’t text fight
I haven’t had a real fight since 2006 yet somehow managed to go through six
girlfriends since then. Pick up the phone and call your girlfriend if you have a
problem with something. Please text me and let me know how it works for you.
6. Don’t break up with your girlfriend over text message
Attempt to express life changing decisions verbally. If you break up by text your
ex will text everyone they know you did so and within 24 hours the whole
community will know you are that insensitive jerk who electronically breaks up
with girlfriends. Have you ever received the lesbian glare by more than one
woman at the same time? It’s unpleasant I promise.
7. Proper usage of the : - )
“Your hair looks like it has been used as a rat hideout for the last six months : - ).”
Adding a smiley face does not make you sound any less of a jackass. “But
Honey, I was just kidding!” No, adding a smiley face doesn’t turn your insensitive
comments into hilarious jokes. Use smiley and winky faces sparingly and appropriately.
8. How to text I love you
Write out it all out. Try to avoid luvU2s, <3 u, etc. It is not hard to put a little more time
into texting an important eight letter phrase.
9. Don’t drunk text.
I know you are going to do it anyway so at least let me remind you what NOT to do. Do not
repeat how drunk you are. Yeah, she’s got it. You are annoying her enough as it is so don’t
make it worse. If you never said the L word, don’t say it in a drunken text, that doesn’t go
over well. And the next day when you apologize for your drunk textcapade, just do it once
because she’s busy trying to forget that you did it in the first place.
10. “K”
Replying to a text message with “k” instead of “ok” means “I will do what you ask me to,
but I don’t really want to“ or “I acknowledge what you are saying but I don’t give a flying
rat’s ass”. If you don’t have enough energy or time to put the “o” in “ok”, then reply when
you do.
CLICK HERE for more Angela
Copyright © AMBIENTE MAGAZINE. Do not reproduce without citing this source
8. How to text I love you
Write out it all out. Try to avoid luvU2s, <3 u, etc. It is not hard to put a little more time
into texting an important eight letter phrase.
9. Don’t drunk text.
I know you are going to do it anyway so at least let me remind you what NOT to do. Do not
repeat how drunk you are. Yeah, she’s got it. You are annoying her enough as it is so don’t
make it worse. If you never said the L word, don’t say it in a drunken text, that doesn’t go
over well. And the next day when you apologize for your drunk textcapade, just do it once
because she’s busy trying to forget that you did it in the first place.
10. “K”
Replying to a text message with “k” instead of “ok” means “I will do what you ask me to,
but I don’t really want to“ or “I acknowledge what you are saying but I don’t give a flying
rat’s ass”. If you don’t have enough energy or time to put the “o” in “ok”, then reply when
you do.
CLICK HERE for more Angela
Copyright © AMBIENTE MAGAZINE. Do not reproduce without citing this source
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