www.ambiente.us SEPTEMBER |SEPTIEMBRE 2010
Top 10 Tips for Texting your Ex-Girlfriend
I've been around the block so you don't have to
by Angela von Aschwege
1. Don’t overuse acronyms
Unless you know for a fact that your girlfriend is as down with the texting lingo as you
are, I recommend laying off the acros. A girlfriend once texted me with a request which
ended with “ASAYGT”. I didn’t want to ask what it meant for fear of exposing my lack of
hipness. Forty minutes later after much research I figured it out and responded, but it
was too late…and I ended up in a text argument. Please see No. 5.
2. DON’T WRITE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS
It’s the texting equivalent to shouting and no one likes to be yelled at. It’s also just
annoying and irritating like the erectile dysfunction spam emails I get eight times a
day. Every time I receive an all caps message I respond with I DON’T HAVE A PENIS
AND I DON’T WANT YOUR PILLS! I don’t recommend this however as it leads to text
fighting. Again, please see No. 5.
3. Lay off the replacement of “s” with “z”
For realz. I remember this was popular in the 90s and I’m absolutely terrified of a
possible 90s revival. Back then I spent about 30 minutes a day struggling to decide
whether I was cool enough to leave one overall strap unfastened and I do not want that
kind of pressure again. I’m also physically and emotionally unable to handle all that
flannel. Let’s stop with the “wazzups” and the “lolz” before it snowballs into something
worse like “having cows” or black light
4. Don’t over analyze a text message
If you spend more than 2.7 seconds trying to decipher the intent or tone of her text
message pick up the phone and talk to her. For a good six months I assumed that my
girlfriend’s response of “ok” to my text was some kind of passive aggressive
maneuver. No, actually sometimes “ok” just means ok. Don’t read into things and don’
t be afraid to ask for clarification, it will be worth it in the long run.
5. Don’t text fight
I haven’t had a real fight since 2006 yet somehow managed to go through six
girlfriends since then. Pick up the phone and call your girlfriend if you have a problem
with something. Please text me and let me know how it works for you.
6. Don’t break up with your girlfriend over text message
Attempt to express life changing decisions verbally. If you break up by text your ex will
text everyone they know you did so and within 24 hours the whole community will know
you are that insensitive jerk who electronically breaks up with girlfriends. Have you
ever received the lesbian glare by more than one woman at the same time? It’s
unpleasant I promise.
7. Proper usage of the : - )
“Your hair looks like it has been used as a rat hideout for the last six months : - ).”
Adding a smiley face does not make you sound any less of a jackass. “But Honey, I
was just kidding!” No, adding a smiley face doesn’t turn your insensitive
comments into hilarious jokes. Use smiley and winky faces sparingly and appropriately.
8. How to text I love you
Write out it all out. Try to avoid luvU2s, <3 u, etc. It is not hard to put a little more time into texting
an important eight letter phrase.
9. Don’t drunk text.
I know you are going to do it anyway so at least let me remind you what NOT to do. Do not repeat
how drunk you are. Yeah, she’s got it. You are annoying her enough as it is so don’t make it
worse. If you never said the L word, don’t say it in a drunken text, that doesn’t go over well. And
the next day when you apologize for your drunk textcapade, just do it once because she’s busy
trying to forget that you did it in the first place.
Replying to a text message with “k” instead of “ok” means “I will do what you ask me to, but I don’t
really want to“ or “I acknowledge what you are saying but I don’t give a flying rat’s ass”. If you don’t
have enough energy or time to put the “o” in “ok”, then reply when you do.
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